Game #1057: M&M's Kart Racing

  If you ever wished to taste a bitter M&M... here you go.

 Why play good games when you can play M&M's Kart Racing? I knew it was bad, alright? I knew what I was getting into.... or so I thought. This game is infamous for how terrible it is, I watched plenty of videos decrying its many sins... and yet, the game is even worse than I had expected, and my expectations were at an all time low.

 So... let's see, it's a racing game that can only be played with motion controls. That should tell you all you need to know. You can play as five different M & Ms, but the CPU gets some exclusive.... aliens? that you'll face in Tournament mode. Who are they, why are they here? Nobody knows, nobody cares. There are 7 vehicles, some are infinitely better than others, to the point that I couldn't win the final race because the other Karts were simply faster and there was no way for me to win, so I had to quit the race, change Karts, and then race again. At first you can only pick between three karts, in order to unlock the others you need to collect coins... on a character by character basis. No thank you.

 The track design is absolutely putrid, races are as boring to look at as they are to race in. Tracks either have too many sharp turns, making them a chore to play, or none at all, turning them into a snore-fest with no obstacles to keep you engaged. The game has 15 tracks, and not a single one of them was acceptable. NOT A SINGLE TRACK. There's no unifying theme between them, they look muddy and brown, even though you even get to race inside an Alien ship. There's a Volcano track and I don't even remember seeing a Volcano. It's the friggin' M&M License, your tracks should be super colorful, themed around CHOCOLATE, but even the Chocolate Factory was drab. A few music tracks were somewhat decent, but they didn't fit an M&M game.

 The controls are terrible, absolutely terrible, the motion inputs are too imprecise, you'll be struggling the whole way through. Why not allow for digital inputs? Jesus. And there are no power ups or weapons. In a kid's kart game! There are only two type of pick ups: Chocolate cups(What? How is liquid chocolate related to M&Ms??) for turbos or coins to unlock karts, that's all there is to the game. The cups don't even respawn on subsequent laps. As for modes... There's Training, why? Quick Race, Arcade(Which is more like Time Trials) and Tournament, which has you playing through all 15 tracks... which isn't as boring as it sounds, since tracks are super short, you can get 3 laps around them in under 2 minutes.

 And props for the 3-D models, for whatever reason, when driving the Bike, at least with the orange M&M, his hands will be BELOW the bike's handles. Did anyone care about ANYTHING when making this game? Did anyone even try to make something at least palatable?

 In a word? Pathetic. The only good thing I can say about the game is that at least it wasn't buggy, and I kinda find it funny how my mouth was agape in disgust throughout the first few tracks I played, because I couldn't believe how bad it was. Know what? Maybe there's a good reason to own the game, maybe I could prank one of my friends by getting them to play it. Like I did with Bleach: Shattered Blade. Yeah! Maybe I'll get some use out of it....

 0.5