Review #726: No Rules Get Phat

 It broke all the rules on how to make a decent game.

 No Rules - Get Phat is a very interesting platform game because you can tell, just by looking at the artbox or just by listening to its name, that it's gonna be a bad, bad game. But I decided to get this game because of nostalgia, back in the ROMs heyday, this was a game I downloaded a couple of times. It sucked, but I still wasted more time on this piece of garbage than it deserved.

 You played as One-eyed Jack, a generic wannabe gangster kid who discovers aliens are trying to  take over the world, so he sets out to destroy them. You know, it kinda feels like fellow bad game, Bart vs the Aliens. The game is 5 stages long, with a boss per level. It can be beaten in under an hour, praise the gods. They tried to be funny with the 'cutscenes', the art has speech bubbles with generic tryhard ghetto lingo, but with a 'formal' translation on the bottom for us normies. I think it ends up being borderline offensive, but it's mostly cringy. Oh, and the in-game sprites? Horrible. One-eyed Jack is one of the ugliest characters ever deviced.

 Being the tryhard tryhard One-eyed Jack is, this dude is on top of a board at all times, appropriately, his movement speed is as fast as you'd expect, which means that if you are not careful you'll be crashing into walls. And you don't want that, because colliding with any type of wall, including the invisible walls that prevent you from moving beyond the scope of the game, will hurt you. A game in which your only type of movement is skating, a game in which your default moving speed is a tad too fast... has collision damage with walls. There's also fall damage. A platform game with fall damage. And sometimes, the height can be fatal. I got a ton of undeserved death due to falling from a height too high. The game is dumb. The cherry on top is that everything feels janky as hell, this game is not fun to play at all. There are weird collision detection issues every now and then between your board and a few platforms, like getting somewhat stuck on edges. It's pretty bad.

 In order to defend himself, Jack can shoot with his slingshot. And that's that. There are also three types of power ups you can use, one is a shield and the other two... I've no idea. They seemed to do nothing. One overimposed a electrified skeleton over Jack, but it didn't seem to make me stronger or faster or anything. I dunno. You can also find one-ups, health pick ups and vinyls. Vinyls work as extra lives during boss battles, and finding every vinyl in a stage will grant you a new move, such a double jump, which is incredibly useful on the last level.

 Boss fights consist of very weird rythm mini games. I never managed to get the timing right. Do you have to press the button as soon as it enters the grey zone? When the grey zone turned red? I don't know, it didn't feel very consistent, so in the end I just mashed the button until it left the screen, and there was no penalty for it! Don't forget to press B after each string of buttons, otherwise you'll deal no damage. There's no prompt, no hint, no nothing about the B button, I was just getting frustrated since I wasn't dealing any damage and started trying things. It sucks, because there's very little feedback to tell you how this minigame works.

 No Rules - Get Phat is terrible, and has no charm, in fact, the game is actually quite repugnant. It plays worse than it looks, and it already looks like hot garbage! Its poor attempts at humor fall flat on their board, and it's got absolutely no redeeming qualities. It doesn't even have good ideas worth improving or polishing! At least, the game is a decent talking piece, 'You won't believe how bad this game is'!
 1.5 out of 10