Game #1055: Luigi's Mansion

 If there's something strange in your neighborhood.... Who you gonna call?

 If there's something I'm wont to do that's play horror game franchises out of order, nothing spookier than that eh!, so as not to drop a bad habit, I'm playing the very first Luigi's Mansion... after playing its two sequels. It gives me an interesting perspective, as now I know how the series evolved and changed. Posh introduction aside, the original Luigi's Mansion is considered by many the best in the series, and since I adored the third game... I was chomping at the bit to get my hands on this one.

  Well, I'll tell ya this, it took me a while to get used to how the game plays. Luigi has his flashlight out by default, and you need to aim at a ghost with it to stun it, and then, and only then you can use the Poltergust-3000 to suck them in. You have a very brief window of opportunity to turn on the Poltergust, and once you enter the tug 'o' war against the ghost you have to hold down the opposite direction the ghost is moving towards in order to sap their health, but you also have the option of mashing the analog stick in that direction to suck them in even faster. I don't think the controls ever felt completely comfortable, but I learned to appreciate the simplicity of it all.

 Another thing I appreciated was how streamlined and Arcadey it felt. The closest thing to mini-bosses are a few big ghosts with unique designs and weakness you have to find and exploit before you can stun them with the flashlight. There are no cutscenes introducing them, or anything weird, you just find them and do your best, which is something that aids in making it feel like a fast-paced game. As you clear rooms from ghosts you'll get keys that will allow you to move deeper into the mansion, and since the mansion isn't very large it feels like you're getting intimately familiar with it, to the point that even now, about a week after finishing the game, I can still remember the Mansion and its rooms. The mansion is very well designed too, while it doesn't have the variety of, say, Luigi's Mansion 3's hotel, the consistency makes it easy to immerse yourself in the adventure.

 As you go through the game you'll unlock the ability to use elements: Spit fire, ice or water. To be honest, this mechanic is very underutilized. There are a few candles you must light, a fire to put out and some plants to water and... I think you only had to use Ice once in order to progress through the game. That said, you'll find a few elemental ghosts you must defeat with the appropriate element. Besides how little this mechanic is used, it can also be a bit annoying, since it's possible to find yourself fighting a ghost without the proper element and having to remember WHERE you could find the element you need, backtrack there and then return. I think this became an issue three different times at most, but since it's a short game it did leave an impression.

 Luigi's Mansion 2 gets a lot of flak for returning you to the Mansion's entrance after every chapter, it's something I disliked a lot, but what if I told you that this game did the exact same thing? The game has four bosses, counting the final boss, and after every boss you are returned to the Mansion's Hallway. It was a bit annoying, because you'd be closer to your next objective if you could continue from the room you fought the boss in!

 And then we have the Boos, there are 50 boos in the game, but you only need to capture 40 them, and 10 of them are freebies that you get after the third boss. Capturing all 40 boos wasn't an annoying concept in and of itself, but the thing is... Boos can escape. And you have to chase them around the mansion. And they heal while they are in a different room. And they could potentially escape into a room you haven't opened yet and don't have the key for. I swear, having to chase boos from room to room really hurt the otherwise enjoyable quick pacing the game had. This was very annoying near the end of the game, when Boos started having annoying amounts of health and I'd go to and fro the same two rooms until, inevitably, it fled into a room I couldn't open yet, and then it'd recharge its health while I continued with the game, thus, wasting my time.

 Minor annoyances aside, I felt like Luigi's Mansion was really fun, and I understand why so many people have such fond memories of this game. That said, yeah, LM 3 is still my favorite, but I think I liked this game a tiny bit more than the second game. The mansion was really fun to explore, and I feel like its design was super memorable. The mini-bosses added some valuable variety into the ghost-hunting shenanigans, and the presentation holds up very well. I think this one's a classic.

 7.0

Game #1054: Around the World in 80 Days

  Or in about an hour give or take.

 Since I never tire from playing garbage, today I'm writing about Jackie Chan's Around the World in 80 Days videogame adaptation. Y'know, muddy digitalized sprites, somewhat labyrinthic level design, a password system... yeah, I've been here before.

 So, the basic gameplay loop is weird, you have to find four symbols on each stage before you can proceed, and upon finding all of them your health bar is permanently lengthened. There are very light platforming elements, but the game is a beat'em up, Jackie Chan's character can punch and kick, jump and wall jump.

 Combat is pretty much the core element of the game, and it's weird... if you try to straight up fight enemies you'll probably take damage, so you have to employ these lame looking hit and run tactics which aren't much fun. On the other hand, stun-locking enemies with your attacks is so easy it ain't even funny.

 Yeah, another shovelware game on the GBA, who'd have known!? It was sorta kinda maybe almost fun a few times, but it never lasted more than a couple of minutes, so... better off left forgotten alongside the movie that inspired it.

 3.0

Game #1053: Pitfall - The Mayan Adventure

  Puts the Pit in Pitiful.

 I went from the NES to Nintendo 64, so the SNES generation was one I skipped... and one that pains me to, since ever since I discovered its games through emulation I consider it one of my favorite videogame generations. Which is why GBA ports of SNES games are something special to me, so I was looking forwards to Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure. I shouldn't have.

 So... yeah, another game with maze-like level design, however, in this game it's not like you're searching for stuff, most of the time, and checkpoints direct you towards the right path. If anything, the big issue with the level design is how zoomed-in the screen is, it's hard to get a good understanding of your surroundings and the level layout. It also makes it a chore to see some incoming enemies. Speaking of enemies, they tend to be tiny and dull in color, so the tiny snakes and mice just blend into the background. They also move super fast and you have little time to react once the make it into the screen. Not aiding matters is how fast your character moves, in fact, it feels like a Sonic game, except that you don't have an ever-helpful spinsdash and EVERYTHING around you is out to kill you, from enemies to the many, many hazards.

 Movement is very slippery, but there aren't many bottomless pits to contend with, so it's not too bad. To defend yourself you can use a very weak whip or shoot stones. I felt like enemies respawned, but I'm not too sure, sure felt that way though. The bosses are incredibly annoying, early in the game you have to face a tiger or leopard, which is annoying enough since you have to pretty much predict its coming so that you can time your jumps, but then you have to face two of them at the same time which wasn't much fun.

 The absolute best part about the game is that there's no savefile... and no password system either, so you have to beat it in one sitting. Lame. Thankfully there's a level select code. This GBA port has a feature unique to it: No music. If there's one thing left to mention is that I found the game's ending to be hilarious. Oh! And while the game looks very washed out, in order to make it easier to see on the GBA, the spritework is pretty impressive.

 I'm willing to bet that the original versions of this game haven't aged very well, however, they are better alternatives to this port for use. The screen probably shows more of your surroundings, they have music and the colors are better. Not a good showing for Majesco.

 3.0

Game #1052: It Takes Two

  One trippy therapy session.

 I think that with It Takes Two, Josef Fares has more than earned the title of Auter, like other greats before hime like Suda 51 and Swery 65. Y'see, 'A Way Out' had a brilliant premise which carried the game beyond how generic it looked. But It Takes Two takes the brilliant co-op premise to the next level, while adorning the game with a very unique, unforgettable art-style that makes this game something truly special.

 The plot feels like something out of a family movie, even though the game is anything but, in which Cody and May are about to divorce and Rose, their daughter, is struggling to accept it. So she cries over facsimile dolls of her parent and... now her parents turn into those dolls, Cody turns into a chubby clay doll while May turns into a lithe wooden doll. The entire game is played through the eyes of these tiny doll avatars, so you'll be seeing a lot of every-day items up close. And let me insist, the visuals in the game are AMAZING. The dolls are very life-like, and the textures are incredible.  It's easily one of the best looking games I've ever played.... which is probably while loading times can get a bit lengthy. Oh, and the audio got unsynced on a few cutscenes, but it wasn't too bad.

 One you get over how pretty it looks, then comes the gameplay. Just like A Way Out, you absolutely need another person to play the game with, as getting through this adventure requires both characters cooperating the whole way through. And man, the ideas never stop coming. Most games built around puzzle-platforming give both characters a different set of abilities and that's that, but in this game what each character can do keeps changing. Very early in the game, Cody gets magical nails that he can use either to stick things in place OR to create platforms for May, while May gets a hammer that allows her to hit a few switches, balance on Cody's nails or break glass jars.... but it's not too long before this tools are replaced by a sticky-ooze gun for Cody, which lets him weigh down structures, while May gets burning matches she can operate switch with... or May can shoot an enemy that is covered in Cody's Ooze to make it explode. Later the game even has a top-down Diablo-esque scenario in which COdy gets turned into a wizard that can phase through metal grates while May gets the ability to dash over long gaps. The game never sticks with one set of tools for too long, so the game feels SO fresh.

 And sometimes it'll be a bit more mundane, like just having to cooperate by moving stuff around or pushing switches to activate something for the other player,  simple tasks that either character could do so players can just decide who'll tackle the challenge in which way. But it never stops being fun. And man, can the game get trippy sometimes, or the gameplay shifts so unpredictable, or the cutscenes so morbidly funny.... It's an incredible ride, from beginning to end. And everything is so well crafted and made, it feels like the game had a never-ending budget! And just like A Way Out before it, there are a ton of optional interactable objects, just to mess around with, as well as optional VS minigames if you look hard enough.

 It Takes Two is an absolute masterpiece. The only real complaint I have about it is that it requires another player to experience it. I understand the intent, I appreciate couch-co-op games such as this one, but finding somebody else willing to clock in all 9 hours it takes to finish the game at whatever point in time you want to play it... could be tough. I really value Josef Fare's effort to bring couch co-op back, but his games are amazing and deserve to be played by as many people as possible, so maybe looking into make some single player alternative for their next game could be a good idea.

 9.0

Game #1051: Star Wars - Jedi Power Battles(Gameboy Advance)

  Scratching the bottom of the battle I find myself at.

 Bayonetta was really good, and that just can't stand, so here I am playing licensed GBA garbage again, today's feature being Star Wars: Jedi Power Battles. I mean, the console game wasn't very good to begin with, so did this version stand a chance at all?

 Well, let's start with the classic sure-fire signs that this is a low-quality licensed game: Classic, muddy digitalized 3-D sprites, Isometric perspective that makes jumping a pain in the rear end and... passwords. And weirdly enough for such a simple game, it's a bit buggy. On the second stage, after I performed a jump, Qui-Gon turned invisible.

 Let's start with how it plays, basic combat is clunky at worst and dull at best. A, A+movement, L and L+movement are your basic attacks, and to be fair, each of the four characters have different animations. Some are way better than others. Mace Windu has fast attacks, making him the best character, and Darth Maul, the one you unlock, is more of a punishment than a reward since his animations are SO slow. You can also deflect lasers and get force powers, but meh, nothing to save the game from being boring. Sometimes enemy placement is just annoying, so that you'll get shot after a jump, and thus pushed to your death, so now you know that you have to be ready to deflect the laser before continuing your jumps.

 Speaking of jumps... the isometric perspective is less than ideal for platforming, but in this game it's extra clunky. While you have a double jump, you can't change or correct your momentum, so if you accidentally slipped off or if an enemy pushed you... you are basically dead since you'll drop straight down, and your double jump won't carry you anywhere. And don't even let me get started on the fact that there's fall damage in the way of fall instant death. It's so incredibly stupid, there are so many stages in which you have to drop down, but if you forget about this and decide to jump down you'll just lose a life.

 Y'know, Jedi Power Battles might be slightly entertaining or a few minutes, but it's not long before the annoyances with the gameplay start piling up. I'd just get Star Wars Episode 3 on the GBA instead, does what this one tried to do but much better.

3.0

Game #1050: Bayonetta

  Are #50 games a milestone now that I reached #1000? Maybe.

 I never thought I'd be giving Bayonetta a chance, the over-sexualized design of the character was a massive turn-off for me, fanservice being the primary reason I got tired of anime, but.... since Bayonetta 2 and 3 became Nintendo exclusives and I love Nintendo... here I am. I was ready to hate the game, plus, it's the terrible PS3 port, but... but... damnit! The game does a ton of things I really liked!

 Firstly, I love how Bayonetta looks. The sleek, black catsuit with gold accents, her hairdo, the glasses, the Slenderman proportions, the fact that she can turn into a panther or a crow... I love how she looks. I think Bayonetta is one of the coolest looking character designs out there. On the other hand, the fanservice is completely insane, most cutscenes try to find ways to focus on her bust and on her butt, a secondary character even gropes her when she rescues him... it's as if the game is trying its hardest to make me dislike the character. Heck, her gimmick is that she uses her hair to attack and her outfit is made out of her hair, so her most powerful attacks also leave her naked. It's so forced that it could've only have come from Japan. So if you get your kicks out of 2-D or 3-D women, you'll probably like Bayonetta. If you find it dumb... well, in the end I could tolerate it since the rest of the game is SO good.

 Speaking of cutscenes, it seems the budget wasn't all that high, as some cutscenes are fully animated while others... others are more comic-book style, with voice overs over still images. It's not the best alternative ever and these latter cutscenes do feel like they drag on for too long, but if it was necessary in order to polish other parts of the game, such as the combat... I guess I can live with it. On the other hand, the soundtrack is GLORIOUS, the theme song being a remixed cover of 'Fly me to the Moon' which I think is superior to the original. Since I'm covering the presentation, both the sound and art design make it feel like a PS2 game, and I mean that as a compliment. The game has this PS2-charm to it that latter PS3/X360 games just lost as they got more and more homogenized.

 Now that I'm done with the fluff, onto the real meat, the combat... It's brilliant. Bayonetta has three offensive buttons: Guns, Punch and Kick, and her moveset is MASSIVE. There are a ton of combos you can perform by mixing punches and kicks... and then mixing punches, kicks and wait-times between certain attacks. You can also perform variant attacks by holding down the punch or kick button when you press it. I'm not kidding when I say that the moveset is ridiculously massive. And as you play through the game you unlock WEAPONS you can equip, you can have up to two weapon sets equipped at a time, but you can customize this sets at any time. I call them sets because you equip weapons to hands and feet, and depending on how you mix and match weapons... you get different combos. Most button inputs are shared between weapons, for instance, Punch - Punch - Kick - Kick - Kick and Punch - Punch - Punch - Kick - Kick is pretty much identical whether you are using your fists, the katana, the whip or the gauntlets, but every weapon has different properties. The Katana is fast and strong, features some pretty nasty combos that involve waiting between attacks and can charge every punch into a Iai strike. The whip causes very little, if any, stagger to the enemies, but has great range and can pull enemies towards you. The Gauntlets can change modes, between slow and powerful or fast and weak. In my case, I found the Katana to be the perfect mix of strength and speed, while I used the gauntlets for variety's sake since I found them very interesting. And, of course, you can swap sets mid-combo, so you can pull off all kinds of shenanigans. Not gonna lie, in some ways, I think Bayo's combat is much superior to Devil May Cry's single attack button affairs. Bayonetta's moveset offers so much variety. Add to this the fact that some enemies can leave behind weapons you can pick up and use for a short while before they break.... yeah, Bayonetta's combat is mighty impressive.

 And then there's the magic system. Landing attacks charges your magic gauge, once full you can perform a Torture attack that insta-kills any weak enemy or deals massive damage to the stronger baddies. Getting hit costs you magic, so you gotta try your best to avoid damage and deal damage. You can dodge attacks with the R2 button, but spamming R2 will eventually make Bayonetta perform a high jump, leaving her vulnerable upon landing, in order to punish you for not learning how to dodge! If you press Dodge JUST before getting hit, you'll activate Witch Time, slowing down enemies around you. Man, Bayonetta's got Devil May Cry beat when it comes to combat, and I hate to say that because I ADORE Devil May Cry and actively avoided Bayonetta for so long.

 Beating enemies and performing lengthy combos rewards you with Sonic Rings(really) which you can then spend on more techniques, support items, more health, accessories or the ability to dual wield a few weapons(Meaning, equipping them on both arms and legs). Just like with Devil May Cry, do remember that Hideki Kamiya directed both the first DMC and the first Bayo, levels have heart pieces and pearl pieces hidden everywhere, as well as hidden challenges that will reward you with either, in order to extend your health bar and magic gauge.

 The game is pretty lengthy, bordering on 9 hours(And I suspect the game's internal clock stops ticking during cutscenes), and while some environments are reused you don't traverse them in the same way, heck, you could say that it reuses parts of environments, but not wholesale. Beating the game under certain conditions(Or which cheats...) lets you unlock costumes or the ability to play as Jeanne, which is identical to Bayonetta but with few quirks(Deals and receives more damage, can spam R2 indefinitely, etc) which are all great extras to top the game with.

 But well, Bayonetta couldn't be all that perfect, now could it? QTEs, and some of the worst I've seen. The time is pretty rough, a lot of times I could've sworn I pressed the button but it didn't count. One time I knew it was coming so I was mashing the button beforehand... and it didn't count, so you can't be too early either. And failing a QTE means death, which will sap you points from your chapter total, it's very unfair. And since missing a QTE translates into a death... it means that you have to sit through another loading screen before you can try again, and this is the PS3 port, for you see....

 ...the PS3 port was outsourced, and it's terrible when it comes to framerate and loading. I've said it before, while I like a smooth framerate, I can forgive a choppy framerate if the game is really good. So yeah, the game caps at 30FPS, unlike the other ports, and there are some very nasty drops here and there... but the real issue are the loading times. Loading a chapter is much lengthier than on other consoles, that in and of itself is bad enough, but it also has loading times that the other ports do not have. Pausing the game needs a loading screen. Opening the equipment menu needs a loading screen, when you pick up items, the description needs a loading screen. And I remind you, the other ports do not have these. Mind you, it doesn't break the game, but no other version of Bayonetta has this issues, so playing the game on PS3 is the worst way you could experience Bayonetta by far.

 Well... I regret not having played Bayonetta before. The rampant fanservice is stupid, the QTEs are annoying and the PS3 exclusive features, namely more loading screens and lengthier loading times, are awful, but the game itself is fantastic. Heck, it has better combat mechanics than even Devil May Cry V, one of my, if not MY, favorite game of the PS4 era(So far). I think if I had played one of the superior ports, Bayonetta might've become one of my favorite games in the genre. Dante might be the king of combo-based action games, but Bayonetta is the queen, and from what I've heard they removed the QTEs from the sequel so... I can't wait until my sister returns me my Switch and I can play the sequel.

 8.0

Game #1049: The Mummy Returns

  The curse of the mummy is dreadful.

 Well... another bargain bin surprise, The Mummy Returns is a prime example of why licensed games get such a bad rep. 

 I think the game is supposed to follow the plot of the movie of the same name, but I wouldn't know. What I do know is that the game offers two campaigns, in one you play as Rick and in the other one you play as Imhotep, the evil resurrected mummy, and they do get their own levels, dialogue and even powers. Rick's stages are more adventurous while Imhotep's are a bit more focused on combat, at least from what I played since I didn't care to finish the game again as Imhotep.

 Jumping is so awkward, you need to run towards an edge and pray that the square button input turns into 'jump' otherwise you'll drop to your death. Why not have Square act as jump all the time? Or if it depended on an edge, why not make it automatic, like in Zelda? I don't know. And sometimes, when landing, Rick will perform a vault that will probably get you killed if you jumped onto a small platform. Why? Who came up with this?  While your joystick has a right analog stick, there's no camera control, just press L2 to reposition the camera behind you. When you shoot your guns, Rick will aim automatically, which works decently enough, but melee combat feels very slippery and haphazard, sometimes it feels like Rick or Imhotep actually want to punch or kick in the opposite direction of the enemy you are trying to kill. Oh, and some enemies LOVE to run away when you are trying to kill them, only to make combat last longer, waste your time and annoy you further. And enemies? They respawn constantly. Why? Seriously, why? Who came up with this?

 Level design is absolutely terrible, stages feel like mazes, there are no checkpoints and it's easy to just die. Almost as if to make up for it you can save anywhere.... provided you are not taking in or out your weapons or in the middle of a jump or attack. I found out about this the hard way, so let me tell you about my very first experience with the game.

 Rick's first stage is an absolute nightmare, to the point that every stage afterwards is undeniably easier. No other stage has as many hidden walls, deadly traps, bottomless pits over small platforms you have to awkwardly platform through with this game's awful jump mechanics or as many gimmicks as this one. Heck, there's one part in which you have to use dynamite to blow up pillars, but you can barely aim your shots so you'll probably take damage from the explosion, and then trying to get onto the broken pillars can be a hassle, since if you miss your jump or accidentally walk off the thing... instant death. Alright, so I paused the game many times and not a single time did the 'Save' option appeared, so I guessed it would only let you save once you beat a level. This is how I discovered there were no checkpoints, every time I died, and I died a ton of times, it meant back to the start of the level.

 I was so frustrated I looked up reviews, nobody mentioned the high difficulty or how to save the game. I looked in my instruction booklet, and it said nothing about when I could save the game. 'Maybe I'm just bad' I thought, maybe I was used to easier games and other people didn't find it Crash Bandicoot 1's levels of unfair. So I tried Imhotep. I cleared the first stage and.... the game didn't ask me if I wanted to save. So as soon as the level started I pressed start and... no save option. 'Maybe it autosaves', so I quit, went to load game and.... no save file existed. I was angry, and decided I wasn't gonna play it anymore, it was trash and it was unfairly hard because of how awful the controls were. So I looked up reviews again, and somebody mentioned being able to save anywhere. Two days later I gave it a try and... the Save option was there. As I played I discovered the actions that would make it so that the Save option didn't appear, it seems that the first time I played the game I was super unlucky so I was always trying to save when I was taking out items or punching the air or something. Yeah, when you can save anywhere the game is a cakewalk, except for the final boss.

 Sure, I had a bad first experience with the game, but I swear to god I gave it a proper chance after I figured out how the Save Option worked. But even then, the game is devoid of any fun, it just isn't good in any way, shape or form. If anything, props to the guy that voices Rick, as he pulled of a fantastic Brendan Fraser impression. But then again, I'm matching him to how I remember Brendan Fraser sounding! Plus, I'll give it some credit for having two campaigns, one following a what-if story in which the villain wins, which is admittedly pretty neat. 

 2.5

Game #1048: Kong - The Animated Series

  Here we go again, another damned maze platformer.

 It seems I hate myself, because the next game I decided to give a chance to, Kong: The Animated Series, is yet another dumb 2-D maze platformer, seems these were a dime a dozen on the GBA. Yeah, that first sentence should tell you everything you need to know about how much I enjoyed this game. And the worst part about it? This was the Kong game I meant to buy last year...

 In this game you play as both Jason and Kong, but it's a bit weird. The game tells you that Jason and Kong need to be close for you to swap, but sometimes as you go through the level... the icon allowing you to swap characters just lights up. As to why swap? Separate life bars, Kong is stronger and Kong can climb vines, while Jason can... umm... double jump? Really, there's no real point in playing as Jason! I found it particularly funny that both Kong and Jason are pretty much the same size, which makes no sense.

 The objective of most stages is to find three tablets, one in a single level, in order to unlock the exit and proceed. So... yeah, scavenger hunt through a maze. Fun times. And the game has wonky physics too, if you jump forward or backwards too much as Jason eventually he'll stop because he lost acceleration or something? It was weird. And after every two levels or so you'll have a super clunky one on one fight as Kong. Should've been renamed as Clunk. Oh! And just like with the previous GBA maze games I played... passwords.

 I'll give Kong this, it's slightly more tolerable than Alienators and Atlantis... but it's still not good enough. The maze designs makes it so that how much you enjoy the game depends on how lucky you are. If you are lucky you won't have to backtrack and slowly comb through a level to find the collectible you need, therefore, getting more enjoyment out of the game. I'm tired of these games, man...

 4.0

Game #1047: Disney's Atlantis - The Lost Empire

   Should've stayed a legend.

 Ugh, coming out of Alienators into yet another maze-like 2-D platformer, Disney's Atlantis: The Lost Empire is one game I wish I didn't even bother with. I mean, while my sister loved this movie, at the time of its release I didn't care for it... but slowly but surely it kinda grew on me, I learned about the premise, which was very interesting, the highly stylized art looked great and Kida was very sexy(Hey! I was a very hormonal teenager!).

 First impressions are great, as the game opens up using very high quality art assets to convey the story, and then you're dropped into the game and you find out that you are this tiny, slippery Milo sprite and you must avoid obstacles as you try to proceed forward, wherever that is, as levels are mazes. And then it starts getting more and more complex, finding X amount of something, getting somewhere under a time limit, having to deal with teleporter puzzles that drop you back to the beginning of the level...

 Annoying level design is one thing, but controls are weird. Milo slips all over the place, but if you press jump too soon after breaking into a run your jump arc will be reduced. Every single type of weapon runs out, although enemies only start appearing on level 5, but most often than not they are used to solve dumb puzzles or collect crystals. Making the action button the same as the item button wasn't a good idea. Oh, and going down stairs can be a hassle, since if you aren't standing right on top of the stairs Milo will crouch, wasting time. And what's up with the valve doors? Sometimes Milo will spin the valve and just give up, you're supposed to press the action button again and maybe it'll open this time. Why? Why do some valve doors open on the first try and others don't? Just to annoy the player?

 Oh, and the cherry on top is that for a kid's game with bad level design and less than optimal controls the game is quite challenging, a lot of times it's impossible to see some obstacles coming, particularly considering Milo's speed. And they can be hard to dodge even if you know they are coming due to Milo's weird acceleration and slipperiness. To make the entire ordeal even sweeter, the game runs on passwords. For shame, Disney!

 If they wanted a game worse than Alienators... they achieved that. But, at least the art assets are pretty good, I guess...

 2.5

Game #1046: Tiny Toon Adventures - Babs' Big Break

  No witty header, just a reminder of how much I miss classic Konami.

 There's a Tiny Toons games on NES that me and my family used to adore. In it, you play as Buster but you could also turn into Plucky, Dizzy or the Cat. Actually, we used to adore a Chinese bootleg that swapped Buster with an orange Mario sprite. We spent HOURS playing that game, it was my mother's second favorite game after Bomberman. Soooo, I came across Tiny Toon Adventures: Bab's Big Break and it looked like some sort of NES take on that game, so I quickly got my paws on it. It's... it's not exactly what I expected, but I can't say I regret this purchase!

 This is a most basic platformer in which you play as Buster, Plucky or Hamton. You can change characters at any time, and the only real difference is the arc of their projectile. Buster throws at an upward angle, like a Belmont's ax, Plucky throws diagonally downward(And his projectile ricochets) while Hamton shoots directly in front of him. While health is shared between all three, ammo is not, but it was still very sparse and you can finish off enemies just by bouncing on their heads, so I didn't find much value in swapping characters save for a very few occasions in which Buster or Plucky's projectiles seemed like the proper way to deal with some enemies. Projectiles don't even harm bosses, so, really, you could play without ever switching characters and you'd be fine.

 Stages are pretty linear, but do require a bit of exploration, since every level requires you finding an NPC before you can finish level. Stages are short enough that it wasn't too bad or contrived, except on the second world that forces you to go through a maze made of pipes, the problem being that traversing this pipes is automated and incredibly slow, it was easily the game's lowest point. Even if you find the NPC, there's merit in exploration, as you could find a Big Heart that increases your hitpoint counter to 3 until you finish the level or lose a life, plus, you can also come across mini-games that are the best way to amass extra lives.

 The game lasts about an hour, and it's a very simple affair. But considering it's a classic Gameboy game, simplicity is what I'd expect, and it gets the basics right, so it's a fun time. My biggest gripes would be the aforementioned second level and the fact that there's very little incentive to swap characters, a mechanic they could've delved upon by giving every character different abilities, like letting Plucky fly for a bit, Hampton could turn into a ball and roll while Buster could get high jumps. That alone would give you incentive to switch characters. Or heck, even make every character a separate life! It's a case of wasted potential really.

 6.5

Game #1045: Alienators: Evolution Continues

  Makes me wish it had ended.

 Alright, so I have to keep in mind I have played most of the really good stuff on GBA(Ninja Five-O, one day you'll be mine) and lately I've been playing licensed garbage, but... it feels like the GBA hasn't aged all that well, now has it? Alienators was a movie I watched at the cinema and the only bit I remember is that they used Head & Shoulders to eliminate the aliens. I remember that it somehow managed to get an animated offshoot, Alienators: Evolution Continues, but I didn't really like it... however, the fact that I knew it existed makes it a part of my childhood which means I wanted the game... even though I remembered it being quite unremarkable. Well, age hasn't done it any favors.

 The game starts off simple enough, move from left to right eliminating aliens with your guns. You might find that crouching is a bit cumbersome since it might take a while for your character to crouch. Plus, you might want to shoot too, but the game might read the input as shooting downwards. But it's not too bad... yet. You continue onwards and you start fighting alternate weapons, not too shabby... and then levels become mazelike in design. Now you have to fulfill objectives while moving left, right, up and down. I hate maze-like designs in 2-D games, they are almost never fun. But here comes the cherry on top... enemies respawn. Health pick ups are limited, ammo pick ups are limited, but enemies are not. So you are exploring relatively large levels while actively dealing with a never ending amount of enemies, with limited supplies, with controls that could've been tighter. And some levels feature multiple objectives, such as finding 12 vents, and if you die it's back to the start. And you continue pushing forward only to discover that enemy placement is incredibly annoying, everything and anything is out to get you and will get you. And mind you, the game isn't hard, I finished most levels on my first try, I think I had a single game over... but here's the thing, even though it isn't hard... it still feels like a chore to play. And no save slot, only passwords.

 Need I say more? It's not the worst game I've played on the advance, but Jesus, it wasn't fun, not one bit. The game could've been much better if it just tried being a Metal Slug clone, left-to-right non-stop action.

 3.5

Game #1044: Jet X2O

 Splashdown was SO good it actually got its very own clone!

 Well, I don't remember exactly what brought me to Jet X2O, but I'm not complaining! Not to lose this extreme sport streak I've found myself in, this is another Jetski racing game that borrows quite a lot from Splashdown, from irreverent and wacky character designs to the controls themselves and, believe it or not, it ain't a bad clone.

 Jet X2O is a racing game, first and foremost, in which you must try to reach the end of a track before the other racers, no laps here, it's a straight A-to-B affair. But you are also graded on Points, obtained by performing tricks while on air, so even if you come up last you could potentially make up for it in trick points. You can either play individual events, normal races, Trick races or mixture of both, or tackle the World Tour, which is where you'll unlock more tracks and characters, and it challenges you to go through various races back to back.

 A core mechanic of the game is the Turbo, you can either hold on to your reserves, as charging it to the fullest will grant you a better turbo, or use it as you earn it. There are two ways to charge your Turbo gauge: Performing tricks on the air or going through colored gates. Tricks grant you way more turbo, and performing combos could pretty much fill the whole gauge, but, and it's a big but, if you don't land the trick combo... you'll actually lose turbo from your gauge.

 The game has about 8 tracks, which is a paltry amount in comparison to Splashdown, but I'll give it this... they are very lengthy and very well designed, it's a pleasure going through them. In racing games I tend to prefer A-to-B races as opposed to laps, so that also works in its favor.

 I quite liked Jet X2O, which surprised me a bit since I wasn't expecting to, considering the game is pretty obscure. As far as Jet Ski racing goes, I still think Splashdown is the superior game, it has more content and I found it overall more fun, BUT, this game is still pretty good for what it is.

7.0

Game #1043: Dynasty Warriors 8 Xtreme Legends - Complete Edition(Playstation Vita)

 Pursuing Lu Bu on the go!

 Things that aren't secrets but maybe should be.... A) I really like Dynasty Warriors and B) I think 8 is the best in the series and, lastly, C) I really love the Vita. Which means that Dynasty Warriors 8 Xtreme Legends: Complete Edition was something I was bound to buy one day or another, and that day came... and here we are.

 Since I already wrote about my love for DW8, I'll focus on what makes this port different from the PS3 original, and as the name implies, this version contains the base game alongside the XL content. As for what's new... there's quite a lot! Firstly, five new characters, one for Wei, one for Wu, one for Shu(Did they really need ANOTHER character?) and two under Lu Bu. Jin gets nobody, lame! Each characters comes with their own new weapon. 'member how DW8 decloned everyone by not only having as many weapons as it had characters, but also giving every character a unique EX attack with their preferred weapon? This game bumps EX attacks to two, which is, frankly, really great.

 The game also adds an entirely new campaign for Lu Bu, and it too has its own set of cutscenes as well as a Hypothetical alternate route of stages, so it's a fully-fledged campaign. What's more, every kingdom gets about 10 new stages, and they get new in-game dialogue and a few new cutscenes. This means that the content inside this little cart is MASSIVE, there are tons of stages to play through, alongside over 80 different characters and 80 different movesets.

 That said, there are a few caveats when it comes to the Vita port... The audio quality can sometimes be spotty. Some cutscenes sound just fine, but in others the audio sounds super compressed. And, y'know, I could live with that, but the framerate, oh god, the framerate... it goes from tolerable to unacceptable depending on the stage. Using Rage makes the framerate drop down to 10 or so, it's unbelievable, because it never fails to drop so steeply, and the game shipped like that.

 Despite its issues.... it's still Dynasty Warriors 8 and I still love the genre and consider this one the pinnacle of the series, which is something to keep in mind, as I probably enjoyed this port WAY more than your average person, which is why... I think it's good. I can forgive the framerate issues, even though they are pretty much unacceptable, if only because the framerate is quite tolerable most of the time, so I can deal with spikes of bad performance. The fact that the entirety of DW8 is at the palms of my hands is just to good to pass up.

 7.5

Game #1042: Dark Summit

 Cool Boarders is done, but I'm not done with Snowboarding games!

 A few years ago I played this marvelous little game, 'Road Trip', which was, for all intents and purposes, an adventure game dolled up as a racing game! Sans the horrible endgame, it was so much fun that I wanted something similar, and eventually I discovered this little game, Dark Summit, an adventure game on a Snowboard!

 You play as Naja, a snowboarder girl that is out to fight the authority on the mountain. There's a whole conspiracy involving aliens and what not, but it's not the narrative that will pull you in, but rather, the gameplay. At first, you can only select a single starting point on the mountain to go down from, but as you complete more missions you'll be unlocking more starting point, and thus, more missions to complete. The only thing that makes this adventure feel a bit disjointed is the fact that it's not like you can freely go up and down through the mountain, it's a downward slide, and once you reach the bottom is back to the menu to select a starting point and go downhill again. It's not too bad, and it makes sense since you slide down a mountain, but it does kill a bit of the immersion.

 Alright, so colored gates are the missions that give you lift points, AKA, the points you need to open up more starting locations, but the real objective is to find all five bomb pieces, which are a bit better hidden. Particularly the final bomb-piece, I actually had to look it up, since there are no colored beacons or radar blimps to guide you towards it. There's a very basic and rudimentary trick system, which makes sense as points are not the focus of the game, some missions are based around performing certain amount or types of tricks, but that's about it.... except that as you accumulate points, by performing tricks, you'll slowly unlock more costumes and boards for Nayaa.

 Finishing the game unlocks five more characters, but they don't get exclusive story content, costumes or even alternate boards, but it's not an awful extra.

 As a snowboarding game, it doesn't cut the mustard, the physics are a bit janky, the trick and combo mechanics are blander than the ones in the latter Cool Boarders games... but one shouldn't look at this game as if it was a Snow Boarding game, because it isn't. This is an adventure game, a fun one, built around snow boarding, and I think that in that regard it works perfectly fine for what it is. The final mission is a bit too tough, but otherwise, it's a good one.

7.0

Game #1041: The Adventures of Cookie & Cream

  The Dark Souls of cooperative games.

 Before Dark Souls, From Software made this little, charming and downright brutal game called... The Adventures of Cookie & Cream, and I am not kidding about the brutal part. This is a puzzle/platforming co-op hybrid in which you play as the titular rabbits as they try to make their way around an Island and all its themed zones.

 It features a pretty novel control layout that is made to facilitate two players holding a single joystick, which is cute if you play with a significant other, and awkwardly fun if its with a friend. Cookie is controlled with the left analog stick and the two L shoulder buttons, while Cream is controlled with the right analog stick and the R shoulder buttons. If it gets too awkward, multiplayer can also be played on individual joysticks, but that's no fun!

 Each bunny is set on their own side of the screen, but they should try to keep up with each other, as the camera will try to focus on the one that is left behind, so if you get too far ahead you won't be able to safely see what's coming up. And do keep in mind that every stage must be beaten under a time limit, and getting hurt in any way will cost you valuable seconds.

 As you could probably tell, the game will often times pit you with obstacles that a bunny must help the other one overcome, from their own side of the screen. For instance, one bunny might have to push platforms onto the other screen, or operate a mechanism to move the other bunny or maybe even carry it on a boat! It's pretty inventive, and pretty fun.

 There's one tiny caveat tho, the game is challenging enough in co-op, and really fun, but, while single player is doable... it gets crazy hard eventually. Heck, if a rabbit stays still for too long, an annoying time-zapper enemy will try to hit it, so you have to be constantly on the lookout on both sides of the screen while having the bunnies perform widely different tasks. It's fun, but a different kind of fun, to the point that some of the later world feel downright unfair. I'll admit I wasn't able to finish the game in Single Player, the Circus World became impossible to get through, at least as far as my hand-eye coordination could manage.

 I thought The Adventures of Cookie & Cream was a fantastic, very original game. I love the fact that the game doesn't change whether you play it by yourself or with another player, but the kind of entertainment value you get out of it does change. I admit that I think they should've made some parts a bit easier, or maybe grant you more time and leeway with the time-suckers in Single Player, but hey, it's still a great game.

 8.0

Game #1040: SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons - Globs of Doom

  Spongebob keeps trying to carry Nickelodeon's weight behind him it seems!

 By the time SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom I feel like Nick's heyday was over. Rocko's Modern Life, Rugrats, Aahh! Real Monsters, Hey! Arnold and the such had ended. Don't get me wrong, Jimmy Neutron and Invader Zim, both series featured in this game, were pretty good, but they were not the classics, y'know? So Nick decided to bank on Spongebob's undeserved(Yes, I went there) popularity to carry their final entry in the Nicktoons series, and considering the series ended, I think it didn't work... probably because Spongebob's face can't save a subpar game.

 Globs of Doom is a 3-D beat'em up, plain as simple. You play as character pairs made up of heroes and villains from Tak and the Power of Juju, Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron, Invader Zim and Danny Phantom, but you can't select the characters, instead, every couple is pre-selected for each level. The game has some veeeeeeeery weird CG models for the cutscenes, Jimmy Neutron's face looks plain wrong and... purple? On the other hand, the in-game character models look fantastic.

 The game is the cheapest, most barebones beat'em up you'll probably ever play. While the character models look great, the physics are super wonky, it feels as if your characters slid around all over the place. You get a single attack button to perform an attack combo, and by defeating enemies you can collect purple energy for your Gadget attack which makes enemies die in one hit. Most of the time. You see, all characters are, for all intents and purposes, clones... except Danny Phantom. Y'see, the animations are different, but all square attack combos are identical in damage and reach. Gadget attacks might look different but the end result is the same: The enemy gets immobilized and then you can kill it in one hit... except for Danny Phantom, who creates a green kamikaze clone of himself. Why is he the one exception nobody will ever know.

 The game is incredibly boring and lifeless, it's quite short too, but it feels so long due to how boring it is. Death is a slap in the wrist, costing you coins which you could've used to upgrade your stats. Y'know, I don't think a basic 3-D beat'em up was the worst angle you could go with for a crossover game like this one... but I would've added  more platforming challenges, made combat go by faster as not to drag on(Or by adding more depth, but it's a children's game, so it makes sense to keep it simple), and since all characters are the same... I would've added more characters, even if they didn't get voiced lines.

 All in all... not a very fun game. The crossover idea was decent, making the 'globs of doom' an orange ooze was a brilliant idea considering Nickelodeon's old orange splatter logo, but they made the game too boring, not because of its simplicity, but because of how long it takes to defeat enemies and how unnecessarily lengthy levels were.

 3.5

Game #1039: Godzilla Unleashed

 One angry giant lizard.

 I've never been the biggest Godzilla fan, although I know for a fact that I used to like it back when I was younger. Godzilla Unleashed is a game that was very poorly received, to say the least, which is why I'm about to find myself knee-deep in yet another trademark unpopular opinion.

 This is, for all intent and purposes, the third game in the short-lived Godzilla fighting game series that started with Destroy All Monsters back on the Gamecube. I remember that game having a rather small roster, well, worry not, as this game has 20 different monsters to fight with. A few more in the Wii version, but that's not the version I have, now do I? Monsters felt different enough from one another, although a few characters, like both Godzillas and both Mecha-Godzillas do share most moves and animations.

 The game is an arena fighter in which you fight as a giant monster, which is a very enticing concept in and of itself. Up to four monsters can join the fray, and naturally as the fight goes on the cities you fight in will start falling apart. Battles can be fought either in free-for-alls or team-based affairs, and you either fight under time-based rules(Most enemies defeated) or until your lives run out, which is what you'd expect. Monsters have three basic attacks: Punch, Kick and Fierce(Usually a tail or a body blow), which can be joined together in pre-existing attack strings. You can also grab your enemies, perform projectile attacks and, heck, some characters get unique abilities such as burrowing underground!

 Fights are very slow paced, and most fights involving more than two combatants will result in a hefty amount of slowdown, but.... I think it fits, y'know? These are giant monsters slowly dragging their heavy limbs behind, I think the slow-pace is warranted and the slowdown doesn't really hurt the product, specially considering that this isn't supposed to be a competitive fighter. While I played the game, the overall physics and weight everything had completely sold me on the idea that these were giant monsters duking it out.

 While basic fights with CPU and/or Player opponents are decent enough, the game also boasts a story mode. It's a bit bleh. In this mode you get a wonky third-personish camera, and sometimes fights have alternate goals, most of the time being 'destroy every crystal or defeat X monster'. It features some very cheap cutscenes made up of hand-drawn stills. It's better than nothing.

 I read some of the reviews, since I was curious as to why the reviews were so negative, and it seems that this game is too similar to its previous outing, a game I skipped entirely and don't plan on ever getting since this game probably makes it obsolete. As someone who skipped the middle game, and some who's only experience with the series was the previous game... I thought this game was more than acceptable for what it was. There's no real depth to the combat, that's for sure, but I think it's an entertaining giant monster fighter that I feel delivers what matters most. 

 6.5

Game #1038: Cool Boarders 2001(Playstation 2)

  One last hill.

 You might have thought that we were done, but we were not, for you see, Cool Boarders 2001 also released on the PS2. It has much in common with its older brother, but it's not a direct port, even if it might seem like so at first glance.

 Just like the PS1 iteration, you get either Career or Quick Race, but this time around they didn't even bother with the character creator. It was so shameful that it's for the best. On the other hand, this game has less events than the Ps1 version, what we get here is: 3 Checkpoint/Gate tracks, 2 board parks, 2 Half Pipes, 2 Big Jumps, 2 CBX and only 5 Pro Challenges. Trickmaster was axed completely.

 This is, by far, the best feeling Cool Boarders game out there, the controls are much tighter and the movement feels much smoother than anything that came before. While it has less overall tracks, they have all sorts of verticality as well as objects to trick from and to. The visual overhaul also makes it much more fun to play through, and we've finally got licensed music, even if it's only a few tracks, but they fit the game SO well. The one thing the PS1 version does better is... the punching animation. In this game it looks like a very feeble push.

 And... yeah, that's it. It's an even smaller package than the Ps1 version, but I feel like this is the most fun Cool Boarders out there. It probably can't measure up to SSX, but considering my very limited knowledge of snowboarding games... I quite liked it!

 7.0

Game #1037: Cool Boarders 2001(Playstation 1)

  We finally made it to the bottom.

 And so, Cool Boarders on PS1 ends with Cool Boarders 2001. In some ways it seems phoned-in, but in others it feels like it got tweaked in all the right ways, you'd be alright to think that it's a bit of a mixed bag... and it might also be the best one yet.

 Rush it up or trim the fat, it seems either of those were the focus when it came to designing this game. It's much smaller than previous entries, now all the game has to offer is 4 Downhill tracks, Gate and Checkpoint variations, 2 Half-pipe tracks and 2 Big air pipes(Did we really need as many as the previous games had?), 3 Trickmaster stages(Do we really need 3 of these?), 3 board parks, 2 CBX and, finally 7 Pro challenges or events. These modes play exactly like they did previously, and the pro-challenges take the place of the previous game's extra events, although less wacky in tone, the craziest event being about collecting coins while going downhill. The character roster is made up almost entirely of real people, but in career mode you plays as your own custom boarder... and the character creator is as pathetic as it used to be.

 The good news is that while there are less tracks overall, they have much more variety in design, and they've been made wider than ever, so it feels like there are more ways to go down... provided it's not a mode that requires you to go through gates! And, while the game feels shorter... the difficulty has gone way up, the time constraints are much harsher than ever, and missing 4 gates means you're out.

 I might be crazy, but I think this version might have the most polished gameplay in the series. Sure, it's still a bit clunky, but the speed felt just right. The fact that these tracks are more fun to navigate might help in making it feel like it plays better.

 And that's Cool Boarders 2001. It carries some of the same problems it ever had, but in some ways I think it's the most fun to play out of all the five games, so I think it was a decent way to end the series... at least on PS1.

 6.0

Game #1036: Spongebob's Atlantis Squarepantis

 Ah, finally, some Spongebob shovelware!

 Battle for Bikini Bottom was great, Revenge of the Flying Duchman could've been decent if only it wasn't broken, but Spongebob's Atlantis Squarepantis is the first truly bad Spongebob game I've played. It's also the third Spongebob game I've ever played.

 

 This is everything you need to know, the very first level... is a Tank stage. Yup, a tank stage in a friggin' Spongebob game. And then it all goes downhill, because you'll discover the game is a glorified mini-game collection. The game is made up of 14 stages, each one being a different genre. Kinda, most activities are repeated. There are like four or five "press the direction shown on screen' games, two tank stages, 2 puzzle stages in which you get to play as Spongebob and Patrick the first time around and Spongebob, Patrick, Mr. Krabbs, Squidward and Sandy in the second one, about 3 shooting galleries, one of them featuring Sandy and, lastly, a driving stage which was probably the most fun I had with the game.

 The most in-depth activity is the puzzle one, you switch characters with R1 and must use their abilities to get to the end, but it's so slow-paced that it bored me. The one that gets repeated the most are the ones in which you must press the right directional input, and let me tell you, Stage 6 is one of these and it goes on FOREVER.

 Beating stages rewards you with tokens which you can then use to buy crappy 'mini-games' or variations on the 14 stages, but I couldn't be bothered to try them out. There's also a Spongebob dress-up minigame, but... it doesn't changes his look in-game, so why even care?

 This one's better left off forgotten. I mean, the activities aren't completely awful, but, y'know, they aren't much fun and Bob's got much better games out there, like Battle for Bikini Bottom.

 3.5